By Randal Snyder, Copyright 2007
Wow, this is amazing. I just got my first level of wizard without ever stepping foot in a classroom! Now I am a fully certified spell caster after years of being told Barbarians couldn’t do it. I defied the stereo types thanks to The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry.
Here’s how the program works. First off you have to learn to read. I know what you’re thinking, “but Krog no read. Me bash books good!!!” Don’t worry. The easiest thing to do is threaten the life of some weakling wizard to cast a permanent “Read Language” spell on you. Make sure you get a divination specialist or your threat might backfire.
Then just start dressing like a wizard. That’s it! People will start thinking that you know stuff. Make sure that you sink a lot of skill points into Bluff to make a good show for the kiddies. You might want to start saying big words like transmugofy, or alakazamitzka, and wave your arms all dramatic like… It just adds to the “authenticity” of your wizardly powers. And if anyone asks what those words mean just say, “it’s a wizard thing. You wouldn’t understand.” Argument over and you come off like some uber-smart wizard.
The last step is simple; send The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry 100 gold pieces and we will give you this handsomely framed certificate with a wizards’ mark of authenticity stating that you are indeed a wizard. But wait there’s more!
We will send you material components for the most powerful of spells including bat guano, horse hair, silver needles, and more, absolutely free. (Shipping charges may apply.)
But wait! There’s MORE!!!
What wizard would walk around without his trusty familiar? We have specially trained animals perfect to act as your wizardly companion. Choose from our extensive array of rats, owls, more rats, snakes, cats, and our personal favorite… the sheep! This 100 gold piece value yours absolutely free with a small shipping fee of 10 gp. (The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry is not responsible for the untimely death of your familiar or the ensuing therapy sessions. BIW is not responsible for familiars lost in shipping. No guaranties are implied or assumed.)
Act now, our diviners are standing by.