By Randal Snyder
Collect hundreds of bands and their songs in one tiny box!!!
Here at Nether Reaches, the home of the patented “Reach-Around Poker”, we have
been working on yet another mystical invention; the portable on-demand musician
or “mPod”. That’s right folks, our alteration specialists have devised a way to
shrink your favorite minstrels, poets, and bards to fit into a tiny box no
larger than the palm of your hand. Imagine the look on your lady’s face when you
are having a romantic moonlit walk and soft amorous music fills the air. Or
while riding in haste your daring trip will be accompanied by the greatest
dramatic verses known to man.
This can all be yours for but a small treasure chamber’s worth of gold. Such a
minor pittance cannot possibly outweigh the power of having one of the greatest
musical sensations at your fingertips.
But before we reveal how our patented process works, let’s talk to one of our
Hi, my name is Vulgar the crusher. Before I got the Nether Reaches “mPod” women
usually screamed and flailed in my grip. My masculinity was too great for their
puny little hearts to bear. But now, I simply whip out my package and let the
little guy do all my talking for me. Its great having the mPod cause now women
can see my softer side instead of focusing on their families’ twisted corpses…
Now let’s show you how easy it is to use…
Here, one of our clients has found a suitable group of musicians that he wants
to take with him where ever he goes. Simply by opening the view finder and
centering the group within the frame, they are forever captured with a simple
spin of the wheel. That’s it!
We know you have hundreds of questions so we have provided this handy FAQ to
answer all of your needs.
But how does it work?
Good question. With diabolical powers not safe for any sane mortal mind to
comprehend, the mPod literally displaces the target and shrinks them to the size
of a flea. Our patented process then transports the targets into the holding
chamber, not unlike a common bag of holding. Each mPod has several chambers. The
budget model has only ten chambers and the top of the line models can have
hundreds or even thousands of chambers. We like to call them bits, because they
really only take up a tiny little “bit” of space. Each mPod is upgradeable too
so if you run out of room, simply come by the mPod store and we’ll install more
bits for you.
To select your bit, simply spin your thumb on the circular runes until the view
screen shows you the performer of your choice and enjoy! (If your selection does
not perform, see our troubleshooting section for solving common problems)
We get many questions about the sound quality. Not to fear. Even though your
captured musicians are the size of flees, our process allows YOU to control the
volume. From just barely audible to blaring trumpets to announce your presence
to the entire countryside, YOU control the volume!
But on top of all that it imbues a type of stasis that preserves the targets for
generations. Imagine being able to share your favorite songs with your
grandchildren and great grandchildren with the same clarity and luster as when
you first heard them! Moments like these are simply priceless!
But is it safe?
Of course it’s safe, trust us! Our sorcerers and conjurers have bound the mPod
with the most powerful and exotic spells to ensure your safety. There is
absolutely no way that the musicians could ever escape the mPod and threaten
your life short of a divine intervention. And we all know how rare THAT happens!
Is it cruel?
We get asked this question a lot. The fact is that all musicians love to play
music. And by capturing them in the mPod, you get to expose them to more people
and can share their love of the arts with greater numbers than if they were to
stay in the same cesspool tavern you found them in. Not to mention, by shrinking
them you have eliminated one of the greatest problems for a traveling show; they
never need to pack! In fact, you would be doing them a favor.
What do I do if my musicians won’t play?
This can be a touchy subject. We recommend shaking the mPod vigorously until the
performers see things your way. We have included spells that will protect them
from sudden violent deaths against the sides of the walls, but the sensation is
often times enough to solve the problem.
What about care and feeding?
Not necessary! We have imbued the mPod with a Fabulous Feast and dunking tank
game so your musicians can be cleaned and fed while you amuse yourself playing a
pocket version of darts! That’s right, we have thought of it all!
I wanted to take my true love with me, but now I can’t get her out.
Now this is an unfortunate event. The makers of Nether Reaches mPod only
recommend using it on people you… well… really don’t care much for. Politicians,
tax collectors, and other pests might be acceptable, but remember, each one you
collect will be with you for a long time. Point of fact, we highly recommend not
using it on anyone who might be bigger than you as there is a remote chance that
the mPod does not import them properly. We have only seen this happen about 5%
of the time so about 1 in 20 attempts may fail. In such a case, we highly
recommend you using trained henchmen to act as canon-fodder while you refocus on
your target and try again.
But what about my true love?
Stop whining! Sheesh, some people! Look, she wasn’t your true love. Modern
research shows that love is nothing more than a mental disorder not unlike drug
addiction and obsessive compulsive disorders. You’ll get over it. Besides, you
can see her any time you want simply by turning the dial to her holding cell.
There, isn’t that better?
That’s all the time we have for this episode, but remember; you CAN take it with
(Makers of mPod do not recommend mPod for those faint of heart or those who feel
an aversion to subjects such as slavery, torture, intolerable isolation, abuse,
and squishing. If you experience periods of guilt or remorse, makers of mPod
recommend you discontinue use until you come to terms with what you have done.
Remember, you’re doing them a favor!)