Living Dead Girls
By Randal Snyder
Goth chicks just not doing it for you? Are they not pale enough or
‘authentic’ enough for you’re discerning tastes? Here at Necromancer’s Workshop,
we specialize in servicing your… unique desires. Choose from our exotic line of
living dead girls from the budget models to our top of the line. And best of
all, these gorgeous babes are yours to keep – for eternity!
For our budget line, we have zombies of all of the races freshly exhumed for
freshness and magically preserved for years of untainted ‘companionship’. We
even take special orders. Simply give us a name and where we can find your love
interest and in a few days you will be un-living your dreams with the girl of
Note, our ‘delivery personnel’ do their best to keep her unblemished and use
only the most lethal and painless poisons available. Don’t be fooled by our
competition’s cheaper formulas. Do you really want that grimace of pain and
hideous anguish staring back at you day after day? We don’t think so!
We can even customize your order. Do you like a hefty half-orc’s figure but the
beauty of an elf’s face? For a small fee our ‘craftsmen’ can weave together any
combination that you desire. (Charges based on each additional cut and stitch
line. Availability of spare parts may vary.)
But wait, there’s more! Our luxury models will exceed your wildest dreams.
Quantities are limited so act quickly. Do you like a woman with more… uh… –
personality? We have ancient beauties who are just dying to meet you. They have
the seductive lure to draw you into their embrace while you sink your teeth into
the relationship. Passions will flow like wine.
Do you like a woman with a beautiful voice? Want to hear her moan like a
banshee? We can arrange that too! Before long your love nest will be filled with
the joyous sounds of classic hits like the Macarena, Mary had a Little Lamb, and
the one-hit wonder Mmm-bop and more! Of course you two will be making your own
music together to keep your neighbors awake at night…
But we’re not done yet! Do you really like to get rough? Ever find your date
‘all over the place’ in the morning? We can even enchant your living dead girl
with regenerative powers just for such occasions. Go ahead and go mad in your
love dungeon! You can’t break her… go ahead and try! By the next day she’s be
back to normal… well mostly normal… I mean, she’s still dead – technically!
But ladies, we have not forgotten you! Need a stallion that you can ride all
night and is always trustworthy? Ask about our “Ken” models.
(Living dead girls require an annual service contract for cleaning and
reanimation. Failure to do so may result in voiding your warrantee and mal
odorous decay. Due to the nature of our ‘custom’ business no refunds can be made
and under no circumstances can a custom order be “returned”. Necromancer’s
Workshop does not guarantee the existence of a soul. If you do find your Living
Dead Girl has a soul – we can fix that!)