By Randal Snyder
Do you feel your sword is… inadequate? Is your armor not quite “big” enough?
Well have no fear! The wizards at EEWIE (Elves Enchanted With Ingenious Evil),
having for years suffered from “equipment envy” of some of the “heftier” races,
have come up with an ingenious solution… we wouldn’t be EEWIE if it wasn’t
ingenious now would we?
Summoning the most diabolical powers known to elven kind (and trust us, the
pallet is pretty slim), we have created enchantments for your little rapier to
make a half-orc barbarian green with envy… well, they are already kind of green,
at least some of them… not that ALL half-orcs are green, we don’t want to offend
the non-green half-orcs… Well, you get the idea.
Our enchantments allow you to nearly double your weapon’s size without adding
any extra weight or encumbrance. Your delicate elven rapier will dance like
lightning while you thrust and plunge your blade into your enemy from over six
feet away! Dance with glee as the fae-folk you are when you cut down your enemy
before they even threaten your 5 foot square…
But that’s not all… do you need your armor to make you look taller, stronger, or
all around more god-like? We can infuse your favorite suit with bulges in JUST
the right places… Scare off that menacing creature with a flex of your mighty
arms, stand impressively like the god of strength himself despite your less than
average stature. And the other fae will love the curves…
But we are STILL not done! Using a modified Enlarge Person spell, we can
selectively modify just one part of your physical body… Need a larger nose to
sniff out the prey? Could your delicate elven ears use a little enlargement to
catch the whispering wind? Well we all know what elves REALLY want enlarged…
it’s a well known fact that… well, we’ll not get into those issues, and oh,
look… we’re out of time.
Don’t forget, if you need your equipment bigger, just think EEWIE…