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Club Yer Date

By Randal Snyder © 2006

Orcish dating service helped me!!!

I just wanted to tell you all about the great service that I got from “clubyerdate.com”. Not only have I found the love of my life, but I now have a hobble full of little half-orcs. Let me tell you my story:

My name is Dolf, and I was not the most attractive of humans. Kids used to make fun of my unusually large forehead or hang their coats on the bulbous mole on my back. In high school I was shoved into the girls locker room, and even though the clerics said she was a training Wizard with a low constitution, I still feel horrible for scaring that Halfling to death. Who knew that fright could actually cause damage???

Things got worse when I started using the local pixie’s “angel dust”. After the blisters and my teeth began rotting out, meeting women became even more impossible. Even my hair started falling out! I have to admit that my hygiene began to suffer and when I ran out of coins for housing, I ended up sleeping with the sheep. They didn’t seem to complain… much… but after snuggling up to a fluffy four legged love machine and being chased off by the farmer every night, a guy starts to rethink his life.

So I started wandering, surviving off of terrified forest creatures that only had 1 hit point and fell unconscious at the sight of me. And that’s when I met this shambling mound that told me about this great website. ClubYerDate really saved my life!

They used a specially designed survey and provided me with a unique enchantment to summon their pixie assistant to evaluate my… “uniqueness” in person. Unfortunately the first pixie died on sight and I had to pay for their upgraded service to finish the survey process, but the Githyanki councilor they sent was awfully nice!

Within months I had more than one date! Well, I guess you could call them dates… The medusa and I had some fun running around Crete, but everyone we met was so stiff and cold… some people have no manners. Oh, and the minotaur girl… man! Did she have some utters on her! I was a little weirded out when they sent me the Kobold. I was asking myself just how old she was. I mean, most 3 foot tall virgins are jailbait right???

But then I met the Orc of my dreams. Not only was she unfazed by my… condition… but she actually looked worse than I did. Not only that, but she had her own club and after reading some documentation on inter-species offspring (Players Handbook – a guide to Playa’s of the ‘Game’), we found out we could actually have children! What joy! Just think, our children might one day grow up to be half-orc paladins or rangers… But please don’t let them to grow up to be wizards… they die sooo easy!

So we invited all our friends and had an intimate wedding, just her and I. It was so romantic…

So now I live in a quiet hobble carved out of the side of a cliff with my beautiful wife, Gretch, and our lovely children Hans-Grok, and Olga-Schmeg. They’re so cute with their kid sized clubs, pummeling each other day and night. And they’re so cute too. We rolled their stats and their Charisma is over twice my own… lemme see… Right! 5 and 6!

So when you’re alone on a Saturday night… or every other night of the week… just remember to ClubYerDate!

(this public service announcement has been brought to you by...
Paper Bags and Stuff - Finding alternate uses for paper and plastic products

And by:
The makers of EDD - the Gnomish Erectile-Dysfunction Discombobulator

EEWIE – Elves Enchanted With Ingenious Evil

Sundered Epoch: Get your game on! www.sunderedepoch.org)
 

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