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Chase-Man Bank

By Randal Snyder © 2006

Hi folks, just giving you an update on my new keep thanks to Troll Chase Man Bank! These folks really helped me get out of debt with that mafia boss, “Hoskins the White” Dragon. And now that I am debt free, they even financed my new castle and helped pay for expanding my kingdom!

Here’s my story:

It all started back when I was a young lad and my purse seemed to always end up with holes cut in them. I can’t tell you how many young urchins helped pick up my coins over the years, but I swear, I always seemed to lose a few coins along the way.

Then, when my father entrusted me with his estate, a lovely chateau overlooking a breathtaking cliff face, I kept running into pesky little kobolds that would mine tunnels into the treasury and make off with the loot! How dare they!

So I hired this band of… let’s just call them “pest control professionals”, who tracked down the little lizard bastards and cleaned up the mess. A month later, no more pests. But then my problems started in earnest. It seems that the kobolds actually worked for this crime boss named “Hoskins”. His goons, some chatty orcs, kept throwing themselves into my moat screaming obscenities at me all hours of the night. Quite dreadful indeed. His goons would even send astral projections claiming I owed their master money and an absorbent amount of interest. Naturally I had no idea what they were talking about until they snuck in. Instead of using their tired orcs, which by the way, taste very much like pork, they sent a fair elf in. I was so overcome by her comeliness (a natural 22…) I immediately opened the door and welcomed her in.

That was when she, whom I thought to be a busty elf maiden, transformed into this horrible dragon! Right there in my courtyard! It opened the front gates and in came their orcish appraisers snatching everything of value including my papa’s corpse (they muttered something about it being a relic). Thankfully, they left Dolly, my favorite sheep…

That was when Hoskins, the White Dragon, informed me that he was collecting on the debts of the kobolds I had… um… “relocated”… I protested, but the goon threatened to eat me, I told him that would be fine if he turned back into the elf woman. For some reason he was not amused and had me barred from my own house!

So I sought out legal advise from the law firm of Burnum, Down, and Goode, who suggested I restructure my debt. So humbled, I went to my grandfather’s tomb seeking the riches he had stashed away. Instead I found this crusty old man rotting in a casket. Who in their right minds puts a corpse in a tomb???

So anyway, without any other options I looked to refinance. My first flounder was at the Group of Cities bank where they demanded my first born child and at least 20% ownership of my soul. Mind you, the first child bit was reasonable, but they’ll be damned if they’re gunna touch me where it hurts! So I moved on to the dwarfs in the Mutual Mountain bank. They only demanded 15% ownership of my estate and my skull. I still can’t think of the logic behind the skull thing, but one of them mentioned it was hard as adamantium. I might need to look into that in future investments.

Still not convinced, I and my sheep ventured into the forest where we met with the Troll Chase Group. These guys were perfect! Not only were they willing to get rid of my… sizable problem… but when I mentioned the keep as collateral, they asked me about expanding. Sure, who doesn’t want a bigger home? They were very enthusiastic and began chanting and beating the drums. It must have been a very big boon for them because not only did the bankers come with me, but so did over a thousand of their closest friends. I had no idea that their firm was so dedicated!

Needless to say, we were able to hash out an agreement with the old dragon and I got my house back. Those trolls immediately started building up walls and even upgraded my fleet of carriages with state of the art siege engine technology with 24 inch rims and giant 15 foot bass drums. I can’t say that riding in one is very comfortable, but it is very impressive when you roll up on your neighbors house and knock. If you could only see the looks on their faces when my bankers threw that party around their house for a month! And they had so many girls at their parties I thought I was in heaven. Strangely, the girls were never around in the morning. You would figure with all the partying and noise those girls were making they would have been too exhausted to go anywhere. Plus with all the food the trolls were serving, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to leave.

My neighbors must have had so much fun, they just decided to give me their castle. Strange though, I never get to see them any more. The CEO of the firm said they were resting elsewhere… I guess they couldn’t keep up with the party.

After the success of that party, I had to have another so we invited the entire kingdom for this HUGE bash. Everyone showed up in their Sunday best cheering and dancing; riding their horses back and forth. What a blast. We even had wizards shooting off fireworks. This was definitely the high point for me. You never quite feel the excitement like when you get zinged with one of their lightning bolts. You just gotta BE there, you know?

After a few days of parties like that, the kingdom must have been too exhausted and just went home. So that’s my story of how the Troll Chase Group helped me go from losing my home to owning the entire countryside.

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