Barbarian's Institute of Wizardry
By Randal Snyder
Wow, this is amazing. I just got my first level of wizard without ever
stepping foot in a classroom! Now I am a fully certified spell caster after
years of being told Barbarians couldn’t do it. I defied the stereo types thanks
to The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry.
Here’s how the program works. First off you have to learn to read. I know what
you’re thinking, “but Krog no read. Me bash books good!!!” Don’t worry. The
easiest thing to do is threaten the life of some weakling wizard to cast a
permanent “Read Language” spell on you. Make sure you get a divination
specialist or your threat might backfire.
Then just start dressing like a wizard. That’s it! People will start thinking
that you know stuff. Make sure that you sink a lot of skill points into Bluff to
make a good show for the kiddies. You might want to start saying big words like
transmugofy, or alakazamitzka, and wave your arms all dramatic like… It just
adds to the “authenticity” of your wizardly powers. And if anyone asks what
those words mean just say, “it’s a wizard thing. You wouldn’t understand.”
Argument over and you come off like some uber-smart wizard.
The last step is simple; send The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry 100 gold
pieces and we will give you this handsomely framed certificate with a wizards’
mark of authenticity stating that you are indeed a wizard. But wait there’s
We will send you material components for the most powerful of spells including
bat guano, horse hair, silver needles, and more, absolutely free. (Shipping
charges may apply.)
But wait! There’s MORE!!!
What wizard would walk around without his trusty familiar? We have specially
trained animals perfect to act as your wizardly companion. Choose from our
extensive array of rats, owls, more rats, snakes, cats, and our personal
favorite… the sheep! This 100 gold piece value yours absolutely free with a
small shipping fee of 10 gp. (The Barbarian’s Institute of Wizardry is not
responsible for the untimely death of your familiar or the ensuing therapy
sessions. BIW is not responsible for familiars lost in shipping. No guaranties
are implied or assumed.)
Act now, our diviners are standing by.